“He‘s still technically putting in the hours,” said Mrs. Miller. “But I’m not sure him texting the kids from the couch to tell them to go outside really qualifies as parenting.”
Mr. Miller has thus far adamantly denied the accusations. “Totally false. The only thing I’m guilty of is becoming more efficient at parenting,” said Mr. Miller. “If the kids need discipline, I just cancel their allowance on Venmo. I’ve developed an escalating series of angry ‘gifs‘ to send when they are treading on thin ice. And I have them text me a picture of their homework when it’s done. Honestly, I’m more on top of it than I’ve ever been.”
Despite Tom’s rebuttal, Mrs. Miller has reportedly remained unconvinced. “Tom didn’t even know our oldest played basketball. He’s’ been on varsity for two years,” said Mrs. Miller. “And setting out bowls of crackers around the house for our toddler to find doesn’t qualify as ‘making dinner’. I think he could give just a tad more effort.”
At publishing time, the couple was having a heated discussion about whether teaching their eight-year-old how to score MMA fights qualified as “helping with her math homework”.
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